I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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