So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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