I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
