textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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