she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
