his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My penis needs a shock collar
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
