apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you would pick up someone in the library
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
