Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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