i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
