C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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