last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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