Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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