me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
