I molested 6 butterflies tonight
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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