So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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