There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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