you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
