woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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