It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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