I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
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At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
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At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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