My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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