i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
