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• (214): View more from Texas

  Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."

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• (905): View more from Toronto

  No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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• (660): View more from Missouri

  He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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• (323): View more from California

  Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.

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• (605): View more from South Dakota

  I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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• (281): View more from Texas

  Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.

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• (631): View more from New York

  Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

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• (660): View more from Missouri

  I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.

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• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.

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• (252): View more from North Carolina

  I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.

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• (760): View more from California

  Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.

  (432): View more from Texas

  You're so wise.

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• (707): View more from California

  I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?

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• (604): View more from British Columbia

  Well that didn’t go as expected.

  (514): View more from Quebec

  I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK

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