the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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