I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
