Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
