I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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