There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
