Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
