The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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