I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
