I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
