I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
