Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
