I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish you could order shots online.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
