what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
