I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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