It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
