You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
