I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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