I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
