I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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