I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
