i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
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I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
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I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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