EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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