how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
