just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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