come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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