i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
