So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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