i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
