i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
