Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
