I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
