Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
