I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
