I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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