May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
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I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
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Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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