Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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