Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
