idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
